"What are you doing, Emily?” I asked myself, looking in the rearview mirror. I had been sitting in a hotel parking lot for 10 minutes debating on whether I should go in, or turn the car back on and go home.
Looking at my phone I saw the last two messages he sent me, “I promise you I don’t have any ill intentions. If you get the hotel and you want to go home, leave. If you come to my room, and want to leave as soon as I answer the door, you can. If you’re in my room for 5 minutes or 2 hours, it doesn’t matter. I won’t stand in your way, I’ll allow you to leave at any time. I will not stop you.” “My room number is 263, I hope to see you soon.” Eric had been a nice, understanding guy. I was a 26 year old virgin who had never even been kissed, let alone touched in any way. We met in an online forum where I was trying to get advice on what to do about a potential lover. He was in town for work, he was in construction and he didn’t know anyone except for his co-workers. We started talking privately and he was the first man I was able to ask questions to without judgement. No matter how silly I thought the question was, Eric was always willing to give me an answer without any hints of annoyance or criticism. It was after two weeks of talking he offered for me to come to his hotel in order to talk face to face. He was, understandably, lonesome and was in need of good conversation. “Emily, this is crazy, he could be anybody. He could do anything to you. Just go home! GO HOME!” My words echoed the voice in my head. Part of me obviously wanted to run home and forget I ever thought about meeting a strange man in a hotel room. The other part of me wanted to explore my sexual self and get answers to some of my questions. After talking myself up I grabbed my purse, got out of the car, and briskly walked into the hotel. As I did I looked up at the windows wondering if Eric was watching me from above. Entering the hotel I saw the friendly front desk clerk who gave me the biggest smile, quickly I made my way to the elevator without conversation. When the doors shut, I hesitated to press the button to the second floor. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and pressed it. The journey upwards seemed to take forever, the entire time I held my breath. When the doors opened on the second floor, I stepped out into the hallway and looked at the room number sign for guidance on which way to go. “240-265, right” As if I was transported I stood in front of the door to room 263. I took out my phone and messaged him, “I think I’m at your door.” Suddenly the door opened and revealed to me one of the most handsome men I had ever seen in my life. He greeted me with a nice warm smile, and gestured for me to enter his room. As I walked past him I noticed his 6’4” height and average frame, his greyish blue eyes caught mine, and I blushed as I set my purse down on the counter of his kitchenette. I looked at the room with two queen beds, a sofa, a chair, and noticed everything was neatly in order. Only a pair of socks lay on the dresser. “You can sit on one of the beds, or the sofa, or the chair. Whatever makes you comfortable V. Unless you want to leave.” I smiled nervously and made my way to the chair which was next to the bed he obviously had been sleeping in. “V,” I thought, “It was good to hear his voice say that." He bestowed this nickname upon me the day we started chatting privately. V stood for virgin. He sat down on the bed getting comfortable, as I sat in the chair wide eyed and alert. Putting his back against the headboard he kicked his feet up, crossing them at the ankles. “I didn’t think you were going to come up,” he chuckled, “You sat in your car for a while before you finally made your decision.” “Yeah, I wasn’t sure if I should.” “Do you want to leave, V? Remember you can leave at any time. I'm not going to stop you. If you noticed , I didn’t even lock the door behind you when you came in. I’m just a guy looking for some company, and I’m glad you’re here. No expectations.” I swallowed hard and slightly eased back into the chair. Upon doing so I noticed his warm smile return to his face. I hadn’t noticed it before but his lips were perfectly outlined by his goatee. And his hair matched his eyes that were now more grey in color. For about an hour he made me comfortable with small talk. Getting to know more about one another. Where we grew up, siblings, favorite food, all the things you normally talk about to get to know someone. He was 45, had been divorced for about a year and a half, no kids. He was originally from San Diego but lived in Seattle. He enjoyed his job, as it gave him the opportunity to travel and meet new people. I told him about my boring life. Afterall a 26 year old virgin can’t have a terribly exciting life, well at least I didn’t at the time. As the minutes ticked by I became more and more comfortable with him and even allowed myself to laugh at his jokes. Soon it felt like we’d known each other our entire lives, and we were old friends catching up. “How are you feeling V? Do you want to leave?” He asked after a lull in the conversation. I shook my head, “I’m feeling a lot more comfortable, I think I’ll stay a while longer, if that’s okay with you.” He nodded his head as he became lost in thought. The silence in the room was comfortable, it didn’t feel forced, it didn’t feel like one of us needed to rush to fill it. After a few moments he looked into my eyes, “Is there anything you’d like to know about sex, or sexual relationships?” “There’s a lot I’d like to know, I’m just not sure where to start.” I let out a slight giggle and quickly caught myself. “Sorry, I don’t want you to think I’m making light of it.” Eric swung his legs to the floor, moving to sit on the edge of the bed. Thinking I’d done something to upset him, I averted my gaze and looked down at my hands. “V…” he said, reaching his hand out to touch my knee, “I want you to laugh, and smile, and joke, and have a good time. I want you to be comfortable, relaxed. Laughter is a great way to connect with someone, and your smile is killer! How could anyone not want to see that gorgeous smile of yours?” I glanced up and shot him a quick smirk before looking at my hands again. He removed his hand from my knee and leaned back on the bed with his feet still on the ground. “What makes you so nervous?” I felt my anxiety creeping up on me. My heart started pounding in my chest as I tried to form a coherent sentence to explain all the things running through my mind. “Umm, well I don’t want the guy I’m with to think I’m not serious or mature if I happen to laugh because I’m nervous. I also have never done anything with anyone, I’ve never even been kissed. The entire concept is just scary. I always thought I’d wait until marriage, but I’m done waiting.” He folded his arms across his chest and looked lost in deep thought. After moments of silence, he looked me in the eyes. “V, sex is about fun. You should laugh, you should have a good time. If you’re with someone who doesn’t want that or thinks it’s immature that you’re laughing because you’re nervous or having a good time. That’s not someone you want to be with.” I nodded and looked down at my hands, “The other thing is, I don’t know how to start things. I’m nervous that I’m going to be completely awkward and that will be a huge turn off.” Leaning forward he laughed, “V, trust me you’re beautiful! There’s no way any man in his right mind would be turned off by you being yourself. As for you being nervous, just take your time. It’s all up to you. In a relationship between a man and a woman, the woman has the sexual power. Always ask your partner that. If his answer is anything other than that, turn your tail and run.” I smiled halfheartedly, I didn’t believe him, or anyone really, when they said I was beautiful. I’d been a bigger girl my entire life and usually people passed me by because I was “fat” and not the “ideal” woman society wanted men to like. “V, look into my eyes.” I could hear the smile in his voice before I looked up. My eyes caught his and I started blushing. I was feeling something I’d never really felt before, a connection, a sexual connection that was a new, exciting, experience for me. “I’ve been with all types of people, and everyone is beautiful in their own way. You are very cute in your physical looks, but your soul is beautiful and you have a very kind heart.” I smiled and looked away again, I could feel my entire body blushing at this point, which wasn’t something I could hide with my pale skin. “I want to do an exercise with you, are you comfortable with that?” “Umm...that depends, what kind of exercise?” I asked, feeling a little uncomfortable. Eric laughed again, “No V, not that kind of exercise. I promise we won’t even touch, we’ll stay right where we are. Do you want to try it?” I thought about it for a minute, trying to guess what kind of exercise he wanted to do that wouldn’t require us to touch. Maybe it was affirmations, word association, or something else. It was starting to feel like some sort of weird therapy session. “Sure, I can always leave if it makes me uncomfortable, right?” I asked, playing with my hair. He smiled his warm smile, lighting up his entire face. “Yes, of course you can. You’re a very smart girl, V.” “It’s really quite simple, I just want you to look into my eyes. No talking, no looking away, just look into my eyes for one minute.” I furrowed my brow, I was confused. Why did he want me to look into his eyes? The only way to find out was to do it. I took a deep breath, nodded my head, and looked into his beautiful grey eyes.
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